| | I think... I may start blogging again. Not because I have nothing better to do... because believe me, there's a lot I will be doing that will definitely keep me from updating as regularly as I used to. :P But I think I want to try this out again. Put my thoughts into words and have a record of some of the things I'm dealing with.
There's so much to cover from the last year... so many wonderful things, and a lot of really emotionally painful things too. I'm not even going to try to get it all in here, so don't expect a full-on detailed description of what my last year has been. The main thing is what's happening right now.
Basically, on the one hand, I feel very much as though my life is over. My relationship with Daniel was ended a few weeks ago, and while I've been hoping and praying things could work out and we could move on as we were, I'm at a place right now where it feels hopeless. I'm trying to realize–as hard as it is right now–that we're actually in a pretty good spot. There are some things... some pretty big things... that need to be either changed or worked out between both of us if we were to get back together and really be happy. So right now, I feel like this should be a time where we refocus our priorities on God and what He has for us in the other practical areas of life (Daniel just started full-time school and is working two jobs, and I'm working pretty hard to get my photography business off the ground), and let Him work on who we are as individuals. I want to use this time to develop my character and make sure I'm really striving to be the best that I CAN be. I want to take advantage of my time still at home to enjoy my family while I still can. Whether or not I ever get married or if that's in the next few years or never at all, I'm gonna guess that most (and probably all) of my siblings will, so either way, we're not going to be at home forever. ;)
I also really feel that there's only one good way things can go from here... either God will put us back together in His time and in His way, and we'll both be incredibly grateful for that, or He has a different plan for both of us and, as hard as it is to really believe this right now, we'll both eventually be grateful for how this ended now.
But yeah... as big and brave as I sound, that's really not how I feel SO much of the time. Most of the time. Daniel's really become my best friend in the past year. He's the first person I think of to tell some new and exciting news or to go to with a problem or to remember a joke or funny story to tell him later... There are so many things, especially here in Windsor, that remind me of him and of amazing times we've had together. Even memories of things we've talked about in the past come flooding back at the most random times or memories are triggered by completely random things... it is really, really hard. I'm not gonna lie. I said this just after we broke up and I'll say it again... I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much.
If you're reading this, please keep us both in your prayers. Pray that God would make us both better for this. I know I've been made better in some ways from our relationship, and I don't want those improvements to be torn down by self-pity or desperation. I'm not interested in "rebounding" or settling for something because I just want to get married while I'm still young... psh! I'd rather hold out for something amazing. :)
...
(But pray that I don't forget that. ;))
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| | Posted 9/16/2008 5:30 PM - 98 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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